Toy weapons...

It took us a long time to buy Alex a toy weapon. He was using anything as a sword so we capitualted and bought him a foam one.

It was only short-sighted saving of legs and furniture that prompted the purchase. I really didn't want him to have any weapons but since he was determined to use pretend swords regardless of my views, we gave in.

I'm uncertain about our purchase of bubble guns too. We are calling them bubble squirters but Alex is still "killing monsters" with them.

You might be laughing at my reservations of such toys. "They're harmless" I have heard people say a fair bit. But I just don't like the idea of my 3yr old son choosing to hurt or kill something delibertaely, albeit imaginative. (And yes, I'm concerned about Alex coz Megan isn't at all interested)

The recent shooting at an American primary school has prompted much debate about guns in our society, how toys and games innoculate kids against the horror of death and serious injury. I am a very keen anti-gun supporter and am glad Australia is different to America in regards to gun laws.

Many poeple say that guns don't kill, people do. To some extend that is true, but how many 6 yr olds would be dead if that man in America had only a knife instead?

I guess I just want to keep my little boy from thinking it's ok and normal to stab or shoot another human or animal. Maybe he'll never be like that and I'm worrying (and controlling) over nothing.


But I also wonder if the parents of that man in America had the same fears?.......


Related post- Boys and Guns...
 
 

Going Overboard...

I'm about to be controversial...hold onto your hats...

The consumerism and "I want, I want" mentality of kids is our fault...us....parents.

Do kids really need 10 birthday presents? NO.

Do kids know if you have spent the same amount of money on one and not the other? NO.

It's our own sense of fairness and keeping up with the Jones' that leads us to buying more, doing more.

Mike and I were racking our brains for types of food to include in Alex's Dinosaur Birthday Party last weekend. We thought for weeks about how to make a dinosaur birthday cake. But this was us trying to make everything perfect, not Alex demanding a party with strict design and food guidelines!

Would he have been happy with a plain round (even store-bought) cake... No doubt. The fact that it had a candle on it and it was for HIS party was all that mattered.

And Christmas.... Ahhh Christmas....

The time of year where parents feel they have to give their kids the biggest and best of everything.

We had planned to make a cubby house for the kids this Christmas, but time and money got away from us. But hubby then decided that we had to spend the money that was for the cubby on the kids anyway.  HOLD UP!!!

The kids didn't know they were getting the cubby house, they didn't know how much it was going to cost, they will not notice amongst their other gifts that they are missing out. They are getting plenty already...no need to go out and buy more, simply to assuage our guilt over not being able to provide one particular thing.

Alex would be happy with a $1 bubble wand from Kmart and Megan would love a packet of new hair clips or nail polish.

So why do we feel the need to have to get them expensive, fandangled super-toys?

Parent guilt... That's why! (OK, and possibly some really good company marketing strategies!)

Lots of big gifts under the tree looks great. A mountain of wrapping paper ripped from presents on christmas morning makes us feel good.

But it leads to the one trait of kids that I can't stand.....greed.

And our little boy displayed exactly that on the morning of his party when he said...

"Where's my next present??"

Different versions of the same child...

Why is it that the Version of the child that we know is so different from the version they show everyone else?

What is it about parents that seem to bring out the worst in their child?

Of course we also get the absolute best bits as well, but there seems to be distinct personas that are brought out in certain situations.

As a teacher, I often get to see the good version. Perfect angels in the classroom get labelled as horrors by their parents. Why is that?

Recently at Alex's creche there was an "altercation" with another child and Alex was hurt. Immediately I asked if Alex did anything to the other child and the staff almost laughed at me. "Not Alex!" one said with a chuckle.

Really?? Don't they know my son and how nasty he can be? I guess he doesn't show that version of himself at crèche.

Here's my theory on the unconscious dialogue that goes through kids heads...

About the teacher:
"I think I know my teacher pretty well, I've tested out all the boundaries, but just in case, I'll do what I'm told and be good." (Of course there are always exceptions to this theory- in fact I can name several!!)

At home:
"I'm comfortable with Mum/Dad, they will love me no matter what so I can throw that tantrum and they will still love me tomorrow"

Makes sense right?

But I also know those kids who don't have a good home life and I really can't be sure if Mum/dad will love them no matter what. What about them?

They push the boundaries a bit further at school, and are generally a bit harder to deal with but most teachers can find a way around them. What is it that makes them want to be good for their teacher?

I can't figure that one out.

Thankfully Alex IS part of the "Mum/Dad will love me tomorrow not matter what he does" group, but I'm still crossing my fingers that he continues to only lets his inner demon out at home!

Little White Lies...

*****Spoiler Alert**** 

Don't read this to your kids
 (as if I really think you do anyway!!!!!)

Why are little white lies ok?

Is it because we want our kids to hang onto that childhood innocence as long as possible?

"Santa Claus, fairies and dragons are all real"

Or is it because we want to save ourselves some sanity?

"When you press the walk button at the lights, it takes ten seconds for the lights to change. If you keep pressing it, it still takes ten seconds from the last time you pressed it"

"When the ice cream truck plays music, it means they are out of ice cream!"

I'm sure there are more sanity saving little white lies out there....please share some of yours. I'm sure I'll need them one day!!!

Pocket Money...

We've started giving the kids pocket money...and so far so good!

I've also heard different ideas when it comes to pocket money.

1. Do jobs around the house to earn a certain amount. If you don't do your jobs, you don't get any money.
2. Do jobs around the house simply because you are part of the family and it is expected that everyone helps out. Get money regardless of doing those jobs.

There are aspects out of both of these methods that I like. I think kids understand the idea that if I don't do my bit, I don't get the other bit. This teaches the valuable life lesson of GETTING A JOB!But I also really like the concept of doing things for the good of the family. It's the whole intrinsic/extrinsic motivator issue from my uni days!!

So we have kind of combined the two.

The kids HAVE TO keep their rooms tidy by:

• putting shoes and toys put away
• keeping their bed tidy, eg, doona pulled up= making their bed, and pj's put away

and they both get $1 each weekend.

Not part of the deal and things they have to do regardless of pocket money are:

• setting the table at dinner time
• taking own plates/cups to the sink after a meal
• taking own clothes to the washing baskets
• taking creche/kinder bags to their rooms

I wondered if it was a bit too early for pocket money, for Alex especially. But Megan is very good at remembering what she has to do and Alex tends to follow her lead. The simple reminder of pocket money is enough to get them doing those few things to make my life a tad easier.

They bought a bag of lollies each on the first pay day, and a toy on the next (thank heavens for Kmart's $1 toy range!). Neither like the idea of saving this week's money to use next week, but that is fine.

I think we can stick to $1 until they start to realise there is such thing as $2 and notes!!

Just being there...

As I sit writing this, I am sitting on my almost 3 yr old's bed, waiting for him to fall asleep.

It's been a long, long while since we had to sit with Alex as he fell asleep. Even though its kind of a pain, it's also nice to just sit and watch my youngest child as he drifts off to the land of nod.

As a baby, he would cry as soon as we put him down. We could rock him to sleep and the moment his body hit the cot, he would wake. We tried patting, controlled crying, singing, music, you name it. The only thing that would send Alex off to sleep was sitting in the room with him, not talking, just being there. Sometimes it took 5mins for him to fall asleep, sometimes more than an hour!

As this became a habit, we tried moving closer to the door each night, until eventually we just had to tuck him in, stand at the door, count to 10 and then he was happy for us to leave.

But tonight was different.

Tonight, Alex smashed Megan's fingers in the door and saw how upset she got and how much her fingers swelled up. Tonight, he bit Mike and really got growled at. Tonight, he accidentally dropped a glass and it shattered all over the floor.

Tonight, he was in a very fragile frame of mind.

Tonight he needed mum again... just to sit. Not talk, just be there.

 

And tonight, I am more than happy to be where he needs me.

 

 

 

 

Guilt...

I'm pretty sure my trusty Parenting Manual (haha!) didn't have a chapter on guilt. It didn't talk about how it creeps up on you and sticks around much longer than it should!

It's funny how guilt works. Feeling guilty for the things I don't do, rather then the things I do do. For example... I don't feel guilty for making the kids eat vegetables, or cleaning up after themselves, or getting them to use their manners when talking to others.

But I do feel guilty for NOT taking them to a park on a nice day, and NOT buying them that toy that they just can't live without, and the lastest is NOT continuing with swimming lessons.

When push came to shove, we just couldn't manage $300 for a term's worth of 30min lessons. The kids grumbled for about 5mins and then got over it. Pity I can't, and guilt wont let me.

What if they go swimming over the Summer and get into trouble. Swimming lessons maybe, possibly, might have helped.

Swimming is such an integral part of the Austrlaian Lifestyle, I don't want them to miss out on their "culture" (or the closest our family has to one).

Swimming is something that I love and the kids do too, so we could do it all together.

Now, nothing is stopping me from taking them to the local pool or the beach and swimming with them myself...

....it's just that GUILT is that little voice in my head telling me I'm such a bad parent for canelling their lessons!

Boys and guns....

What is it about boys and guns? What is the attraction?

Alex copies other boys- running around with his hands in the shape of a gun saying "pew, pew" -that's his gun noise-it's kind of cute! (and, yes I know I'm generalising about boys, but MY boy is insterested in guns and shooting but MY girl is not)

We've always had a blanket rule of no guns in our house for all kids, even pretend guns. But I don't know if that is just adding to the allure of them.

Alex sat and watched a little bit of 'Star Wars' with us the other night and was excited to watch them 'pew pew'ing'. I'm sure part of the excitemnt came from the illicitness of it. Then he pulled out a pretend light saber and started 'szhhhh'ing around (it's hard to spell the light saber sound!!!)

I'm sure we are all desensitised to violence because of how much we see on TV and in video games. Is that why our society is very much "shoot first, talk later"?

I read once that we should let our kids play heros and villains because it lets them play out the good guy/bad guy fantasy.

 But does that include using guns?

Is it too much to ask to keep my little boy as innocent as possible for as long as possible?

Water safety...

Megan and Alex have had swimming lesson since they were babies. I love swimming so I thought it important to pass this love as early as I could, as well as the essential need for water safey as well.

We have changed swimming centers along the way, and are now thinking about changing again.

Currently they go to a centre that soley deals with swimming lessons. The instructors are great but I still have misgivings.

Firstly, the lessons are about $15 each for a half hour session. $30-ish for 30 mins in a lot when you work it out over the year. $300 per term, more then $1200 for 20 hours of lessons over the year.

The kids are in a group together, which makes things easier for us, but the group has 4 kids in in. So for the 30 minute session, they only get about 5-7minutes of one-on-one time with the teacher.

The teacher is great and the kids love her, but I don't see huge improvements in their skills to be worth the money, apart from them both being confident (too confident at times) in the water by themselves.

So our idea is to go to the local swimming pool and teach the kids ourselves. We would pay the entry fee and then we can stay for hours. The entry fee for all 4 of us to swim all day is considerably cheaper than their current lesson fees. 

The skills that were being taught during their lessons had almost no equipment, so we could manage that ourselves. Even though there are loads of things both kids can now do, I don't feel that they would be able to save themselves if they were in trouble in the water. That would be a huge focus for me.

Two big questions remain....would the kids be as co-operative for us as they are with their current teacher, and would we actually go each week when we aren't committed to already paid fees?

No Second-Hand Shame...

When I first found out I was pregnant, a huge shopping expedition was planned. We chose all our baby furniture and accessories. We didn't think twice about buying it all new. 

We didn't spend thousands on a bedroom suite like others I knew, but it was all new. The only thing  that we borrowed was the bassinette, mainly because it was the one my mum used for me and it had sentimental value. I would never have considered going to a second hand shop for anything for my baby.

Even second time around with Alex, most of his baby clothes and wraps were new because the boy stuff was just differnt from girls and so cute!

I don't know when the shift happened. I don't know where or how my views on second hand stuff changed. But changed it has.

As I have said in previous posts, Megan is smaller than one of her Mother's Group friends and gets some beautiful clothes and shoes passed on to her. Alex also gets clothes, jackets, and runners passed along from the older boys in our group, and they both get bits and pieces passed along from their older cousins.

The clothes aren't always the style or colour I would usually choose, but since they are free and the kids need them, I'm not complaining! Kids clothes are expensive and they grow out of them so quickly, the clothes are usually in great condition.

Some I pass right along to younger boys or girls in the group or even to the Salvos, but since the kids need clothes to play and get messy in for crèche, even the most loved clothes usually go straight into the cupboard.

I'm thankful for the time and money that's been saved from getting things second hand. We usually package a size or season of clothes up and pass them on to each other during our weekly Mother's Groups, so it is usually delivered to our door!

It's like a mini-Christmas opening the bags up...wondering what I will find this time!

And it is so lovely to see the clothes I have bought, sadly packaged up when my kids outgrew it and
passed on, getting another life on the younger kids.
I'm glad my pride has allowed us to

I hate playing...

I hate playing...I wont win mother if the year award now, my secret is out.

I realise this is a bad thing...I'm a terrible mother. I know how important imaginative play is. I encourage my kids to do it often...as long as I don't have to join in!

I can't sit for longer than a few minutes building towers or saying "brmm, bmm" as I drive a car along a felt road. My attention span for puppet shows is about 60 seconds and I cringe at being the shopkeeper. I am happy to eat the pretend cake, but ask me to help cook it and I'm outta there!

Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with my kids. I could WATCH them doing all those things for hours. I'll make suggestions and "ohh and ahh" in all the right places, taste creative culinary delights and watch when my attention is demanded...I just don't want to join in.

I'm not all bad...I don't think. There are great things I do with and for the kids. We sing all the time, I collect cereal boxes and bottle tops for constructions, I push swings, read books and even ocassionally (very occasionally) I'll jump on the trampoline. I know the things they'll need for when they start school so I introduce those things slowly.

I'm a great facilitator, not a great participant. Guess I need to work on that to put Mother Of The Year back in my sights!

It takes a village...

The old saying goes…”It takes a village to raise a child” and I wholeheartedly agree. The idea that kids need more than just a Mum and a Dad to become a happy, well-rounded person really appeals to me.

I believe that children need the role models of more than just 2 people. They need to know the personalities and values of others to help form their own personalities and values. They need to understand that there are rules in different places and situations and they have to learn and follow those particular rules. They need to love and trust a range of people, and understand that there are varying degrees of love and friendship.

I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t live in a village for it to help raise my kids, until I realised that I kind of did. Suburban sprall, iPads and Kindergym…a far cry from traditional villages and old-time upbringings.

But despite the modern spin on it, we still live in a village-ish way. There are a variety of people who look after my children. People who feed, discipline, teach and love my two ratbags. None of them live next door, or even live in the same street. Those people range from grandparents, aunties and uncles, to childcare workers and friends.

I trust each of them to be fair but firm with my kids. I have no trouble with them disciplining my children, even if I am around. Their house=their rules. Megan and Alex know what they are and aren’t allowed to get away with and I think that is fine.

I am not a hunter/gatherer of yesteryear, leaving my youngun’ with the village elders while I catch today’s dinner. But I am a working mum and I can call on these people at short notice to help me to care for my brood. And I’m sure they know I would do the same for them.

So…I’m going to change the old saying just a smidge, to suit today’s world and our lifestyle…

“It’s take a suburban cohort of age-varied people, to fairly and firmly raise today’s young people”

Nah…doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? Let’s stick with…

“It takes a village to raise a child”!!!

My "little" girl...

For those who don't know Megan...she is little. Petite, people always tell me. I was worried about this fact for such a long time... and it has taken me a long time to accept that this is the proportions of my girl.

Here is a bit of her back-story.

Megan was a good size when she was born- 6lbs 14oz (or just over 3kg) and 48cm long. Not really anything to suggest that she would take after her 6ft+ dad but that wasn't a huge concern!

My friend had told me not to buy many size 0000 clothes because the babies grew out of them too quickly. I had bought a couple just in case and was glad of it...they were too big! Hubby had to dash out soon after Megan was born to grab a few 00000 clothes, just so her early photos weren't always of her hiding amongst jumpsuits! It's funny to look back on those 00000 clothes now and marvel at how tiny they are.

She started breastfeeding well, and all seemed lovely. But she did not put weight on fast and I was always worried about my milk supply. I had 2 people in my life who had had serious issues with breastfeeding and undernourished babies, so I was always panicky about Megan's feeding.

My mum and many women around me were of the pro-choice-for-baby-feeding persuasion, so I had no pressure to continue breastfeeding, except from myself. I wasn't gung-ho about it, but wanted to give it a good go. Alas, after 6 weeks of slow weight gain, and almost no milk ever able to be expressed, Megan went onto formula.

It was such a relief to have made that decision- I was stressing myself out over her size and my suply constantly. Our mother's group consisted of about 8 mums and bubs all born within a few weeks of each other, and Megan was one of the smallest. I had always thought it was to do with my low milk supply, but despite moving to formula, Megan's size didn't dramatically change. Had I made the wrong decision and my supply was fine after all? We'll never know, I guess.

She was always on the lowest percentile of all the growth charts, but the nurses assured me this was fine, because she was in proportion and her growth was steady.

So after finally realising that Megan will always just be small (perhaps taking after my grandmother who is only about 5ft 3), I got used to buying clothes that SHOULD be a size too small for her. When she turned 2, she was in size 1 clothes, and so on. The other mother's group kids were the opposite- 3 years old, buying size 4 and 5 clothes.

She is still about half a head shorter than the kids in mother's group and she gets clothes passed down from one of her BFF's who is only 6 weeks older. It's always been a bit of a joke how different the sizes of the kids are, some are VERY tall and then there's Megan! She and Alex often get mistaken for twins because he is almost the same height. I can't be bothered explaining it anymore...I just smile and walk away!

So you can imagine my surprise, after 4 years of automatically grabbing a size smaller than her age, today I had to keep grabbing bigger sizes of singlets. 4s were too small!! AMAZING!

She will never be on the Australian Olympic basketball team....perhaps a gymnast instead??

**For those interested, I had the same worry about milk supply when feeding Alex. He was always just SOOO hungry and never slept, that we moved him to formula much earlier. He is about average in his growth, not the same small frame of his sister. Perhaps it was because we moved him to formula sooner. Again...we will never know.

Comfort....

Frustrating when kids can't sleep. Comforting to know Mum's hugs usually help!

Easy kid or difficult kid...?

Kids are hard work- no doubt about it. Some are easier to deal with than others. As a teacher, I feel pretty confident in saying that some are downright hard work!S I wouldn't say Alex is hard work, but he has been much harder to deal with than Megan ever was. He isn't really naughty and he is definitely more polite than Megan, but his behaviour and personality are much more challenging than she has ever been. Perhaps I'm looking back on Megan through rose-coloured glasses...but I dont think so. She is almost 4 now, very independant and quite compliant. She was a pretty cruisy baby, slept well from a young age and was usually happy. Alex has never slept well and still doesn't. His independance is so random and he is incredibly stubborn. All the tactics that worked on Megan are useless on him. Lots of teacher strategies I use at work aren't any help either. Maybe it's the terrible twos that have just stretched on longer than I had thought. Maybe I'm not used to little boys. Maybe I'm just unfairly comparing a 2yr old to a 4 yr old and wondering why they aren't more similar. I've studied human development. I've read behaviour stuff and boy stuff. I know how the toddler brain works. Maybe when Megan was going through all of this I was just too distracted by a non-sleeping baby that I didn't notice!!

Remembering...

Since it's Mother's Day today, I started remembering some of the things I should never forget....

• tiny clothes
• stress over breastfeeding and wishing someone would just say "It's not working, it's time to stop!"
• all the milestones
• watching them sleep
• 1st Mother's Group-not realising that we would still meet every week, almost 4 years on
• that first black tar poo!
• calling them he/she for a few weeks coz it took that long to fully understand that the little, pink blob was a person
• people handing back a crying newborn and expecting me to know what to do!

Mother's Day, 2012....

Brekkie in bed

Made by Megan at Kinder

special things

Steroetypes....

I have just finished reading an interesting blog about the birth of a brand called Pigtail Pals. It's all about the anti-sexualisation and comercialisation of childhood and got me thinking about my stance on gender stereotypes.

When Megan was born there was a running joke in our family that "you'd better not buy her anything pink...Linda will crack it!" Initially my dislike of pink stemmed from having red hair (Megan also) and that clashes badly with pink clothes. But then it snowballed into outrage because if you have a girl, your colour choice options were usually pink, pink and then pink again. People just accepted it and never bothered to think otherwise.

It really drove me crazy!

I was always searching for colours other than pink and designs other than make up and kittens, and pounced upon them when they were seldomly found. You should have seen how excited I was when I bought Megan a black t-shirt once! And now after having Alex, I have noticed things aren't much better for boys. While there are red and green clothes out there, the majority of things for boys are blue. With trucks and motorbikes and skulls. Great choices. Of course, Megan's favourite colour is now pink- possibly because it's so rare and exciting for her to see in our house, or is it 'coz that's what girls choose?

A friend has a little girl who prefers Batman and Superman to the countless fairy costumes hanging in her cupboard. I laugh when Alex puts hair clips in his very short hair and wants toenail polish just like me. Let them go for it, I say.

Up until now, Megan's choice of interests have been fairly non-gender stereotypical. She loved 'Peppa Pig', a muddy puddle jumping pig, and 'Little Princess', a VERY non-stereotypical princess. She has a bug catcher (with a container of dead bugs) and a pretty awesome collection of rocks and stones. Alongside this, she loves her 'click-clack' dress up shoes and takes her handbag, purse and toy phone when we go shopping.

However, Megan is big on the first Tinkerbell film at the moment. It's a sweet, easy to follow movie with a nice theme of "be who you are, don't pretend to be someone else". But I have to admit, I cringed when Tink first appeared in her incredibly skimpy outfit which accentuated her boobs and bum. Really? Busty boobs and J-Lo-style bum for a Fairy in Neverland???

I had thought that this detail was the kind of thing that Megan wouldn't take notice of. But after reading what Melissa from Pigtail Pals wrote about images being what pre-readers learn from, I have started questioning this thought.

Am I being over-sensitive? Are there enough positive girl images out there too? Can we just let them be kids or is our media-driven world changing everything for our kids' childhood?

Learning opportunities through a pets' death...

Last Sunday, my mum's dog, Riley, had to be put down. After a collapse and subsequent ultrasounds, he was found to have cancer all through his body, despite appearing healthy.

This was an incredibly sad time for my parents and myself. Riley had been a beautiful dog and was wonderful with all the grandkids.

But it was also a great opportunity for learning for the kids. They could see that Mum and Nana were upset and so they were able to talk about feelings and emotions and ways to confort those around you.

Most important of all (I think), was that they had their first brush with death. Much better for this first experience with death to occur in a pet and one that did not live with them. I remember hearing Dr. Chris Brown, the TV vet, discussing this very issue and saying that it is best to be honest with kids so that they can start to understand the very complex concept of dying.

Megan seemed to have some idea of death. When asked if she knew what "dead" meant, she said she couldn't play with Riley anymore. Her creche were discussing pets at the time, so perhaps this had been brought up then.

When we went to visit Nana and Grandpa, Grandpa said Riley was "gone" and so Alex though he had run away and we needed to look for him. Grandpa took the kids to see where Riley was buried, but Alex still didn't understand. Megan knew he was under all the dirt but Alex wanted to see him and tried to look under the clumps of soil.

I think it will take some time for Alex (and Megan to some degree) to understand the idea of death, and possibly lots of visits to the back of Nana and Grandpa's garden to visit Riley's grave. And hopefully the topic won't come up again for any reason for quite some time.

Quiet Time

We have introduced a new thing at home...something that comes at the most stressfull, ratty, noisy time of the day. We have begun having "quiet time". I know that this is not a new concept in the world, but it is new to us and it is heaven!

At around 4:30-5:30pm, when the kids are tired, grumpy, fighting and hungry is usually the time when the TV is on for chill out time. However, for me, watching the same cartoons over and over again while trying to get dinner ready can get on my nerves, despite my secret crush on Jimmy Giggle!

So that's where quiet time comes in. 30-ish minutes of stay in your own room and do something quiet. Genius!! While Alex is still getting the hang of staying in his room, Megan has taken Quiet Time on wholeheartedly. She will often sit and read through her mountains of books without interruption. She will check on her dolls to make sure they are sleeping and eating properly.

They are our of my hair and, best of all, out of each other's hair so there is quiet and no fights!!